The past is always present.

I can't get him out of my head.
I honestly thought he would be in my life forever.

So last night, I sat outside;
And screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
And wept.
And gave myself a whopping headache.

I hate it here, and most of the people too.
I really do.

It's all so typical.

Four days until I see Ned.
I cannot wait to feel his warmth and feel needed.

Dakota's really sick, I don't want to leave him on Friday, but then again.
I need to get away.

I'll blog later, when I want to bring up my deep emotions.

I gave up, I let go.

My depressive state is somewhat effecting me.
The fake happiness is everywhere.
I see cars and trains go past me and I think "I should have been in front of that."
I don't think Ned's going to improve my depressed state a lot, but I've got nothing to lose.

It's like being cut a million times, on the inside.

I never gave up on Ned, I refuse to give up on you.
No matter how many times you reduce me to tears.

One week, two days until I go to Tilba Tilba.
I will probably be unhappy there also, seeing as last time I was.

Healing horses, healing hearts.

My ideal dream is to own a farm.
A place where abused and neglected horses get the life they deserve.
A place where autistic or mentally damaged people, can have a sense of freedom.



The Horse Boy is the most amazing book I have ever read.
I'm planning on getting the movie soon.
The book, reduced me to tears so many times, because in all honesty.
It is such an emotionally filled book of grief and despair.



So next time, you see a horse, or any other animal.
Think of this;
That animal has probably changed someone's life.
That animal has feelings and emotions.
That animal, has a purpose, just like everything else on this world.

It's impossible to cope, without you.

She wrapped her arms around his thick warm neck, breathing in his comforting scent. The tears fell effortlessly down her cheeks, their salty taste reaching her lips. She hugged tightly, fearing that if she let go, she would lose him.

He nuzzled her shoulder, his warm breath filling her nostrils, his head rest heavily on her now. Her body shuddered as she unleashed her pent up emotions, he would never let her go. Normally eating grass would be first on his mind, but today, he saw the pain, he saw how much she needed him.

They stood, stuck together by the tight bond that had slowly enveloped them. He lipped at her hair as she stroked his neck, the pain was subsiding, her breathing had settled.
She took a step back, her red eyes still streaming tears, he reached his neck out and gently put his lips to her cheek, wiggling them slightly. A small smile appeared on her face. He swished his tail and took a step forwards, he rubbed his head on her stomach and looked up at her, his loving eyes, showing nothing but a deep affection.

Together they stood, knowing that tomorrow will be a better day, knowing that tomorrow, their bond will be stronger and knowing they will never lose each other. Their bond is unbreakable, their bond is forever, their bond will never be understood.

Words will never ever be able to explain how much I love Ned.
I never want to lose him.

Nausea.

I want to scream.
I want to run.
I want to die.
I want to feel.
I want to eat.

Severe nausea, please fuck off.

I was not willing.
I am now messed up.

I want to be held,
I want to be loved.
These will never happen.


You changed me for the better, and then ruined me.
I can thank you for destroying any self esteem I had left.