Why

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE.
FUCKING HATE THEM.

I don't even know.
I just want to vomit and then pass out.
Where the shit is the alcohol in this house.

I keep crying at night again.

I miss what we had.

I need my horse.

I AM ACTUALLY FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

That is all.

I honestly can't function without you.
Why am I so dependent?
You mean the absolute world to me.
Not even joking, you really do.
I love you, more than I love Ned.
And I'm so fucking scared.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

Just a quick thing to say:
Thursday I had interschool netball, it was pretty intense, especially with my fucked ankle.
We only won one game, but it was against Croydon, so I'm happy. ;D
I did love playing with the girls.
They're quite amazing.
Especially George. (L)


ANYWAY.
I am actually going crazy.
I'm so bored with everything.
I'm crying everyday.
I don't even know why.

Jamieson's gig seemed to go amazing.
I'm happy for her.
But it depressed me a lot.
I stood there, watching all those happy couples.
And that's what I fucking crave.
I crave a relationship, I crave love.
I need it.

I wish boys noticed me, instead of just looking past me.
I wish they loved me, instead of liking me like a sister.
I wish I was an amazing girl, instead of a "cool chick".
I wish I was good at something, instead of being average at everything I do.

I've only ever had one small taste of feeling loved, and it was hardly love.
I need someone in my life, someone new.
Someone I can tell everything to.
Someone in my state.
Someone who can take me and all my bullshit.
Someone who doesn't need to be told when they just need to hold me.
Someone who isn't going to fuck me around.

My life is going everywhere, completely out of control.
And until I get to see Ned, I couldn't care less.
But right now, I need someone to hold my hand.
And tell me it's going to be okay when I have my freak outs.

The severe nausea is coming back, and it's bad.
I'm sick and tired of being everyone's second choice.
I'm no one first anymore, or at least that's how it seems.

I'm fighting so hard to keep myself from fading back into how I was when I lost a certain someone.
But it's so fucking hard, maybe even too fucking hard.

I have these lyrics from A Day To Remember stuck in my head.
And they're so fucking true, it's like, exactly what I'm doing.

"I'm holding on to a fairytale,
We're moving foward but we're not there yet."

Sitting at school.

Wishing I could be at home.
=\
I am not really looking forward to tonight.
But, I am quite excited for Jamieson.

It's all too hard.

I need my horse.
I need his scent.
I need his warm breath.
I need his love.
I need his speed.
I need to see the love in his eyes.
I need his prickly whiskers.
I need his kisses.
I need his effortless ability to make me happy.

I fucking need him.

He kills any negativity I have.
He makes me a better person.