My biggest fear is letting go.

I miss him so much, so much that it actually hurts.
I miss his quirky facebook status' and pedo voice, I miss his good night and good morning texts.
His voice used to comfort me, now the thought of it makes me cry.
Why would he hurt me like this, why why why,
what did I do to deserve this, I never wanted to lose him.


I knew that if I ever lost Ned, I would have him.
And that he wouldnt let me fall into depression, well, look at me now.
What happens if I lose ned, I wont have him and I definately wont cope.
I love him, so much, his personality, his nipples, his hair, his teeth, his skinniness, his eyes, his lips, his mouth, his eyebrows.

Physical appearance; led me to his myspace, but I never once thought he would talk to me, but he did.
His personality made me fall for him, hard.
I felt relaxed speaking to him, I felt like I wasnt being judged.
Talking to him, just felt normal.
I could speak to him for hours on end.

The moment something went wrong in my life, he would be the first to know.
Not because he was the easiest to get in contact with.
But because he soothed me, and told me that he loved me, that I'd always have him, that he'd look after me, that we'd run away to Tilba Tilba together.
Oh the lies he told, and I believed every single one of them.

I'm pathetic, he doesn't love me, and never will.
Why do I love him?
Because he made me happy, he kept me from hurting myself, he kept me from pushing away people.
He gave me butterflies, anytime he spoke.
I check my phone everyday, hoping that one day, he'll text me.
I want to be wanted and needed again.

The littlest things make me cry and it's frightening.
I was insecure when I met him, but now I see how insecure I really am.
I feel as though my own family are judging me every second.
I fear going outside, even out of my room.
The ONLY time when I feel safe, from people and from myself, is when I am with Ned.

Any moment, that I'm alone, I think of him.
He changed my life, he changed me, and has now crushed me.
I can live without him, but why would I want to?
I felt special and like I was someone when I spoke to him.
And now?
Now I am no one, nothing, the one thing I feared most.

I know he said it was for the better, but, look at me.
He's probably moved on and doesn't give a flying fuck anymore.
And if he's happy, then I'm glad he's happy, because he deserves it.
I'm slowly killing my self esteem and myself.
I'm destructive, temperamental, tearful and just messed up, everyday.
It's out of my control now.